I want you to imagine this specific situation: picture a woman lying down on her bed at night; she’s desperately trying to keep her tears from falling because she doesn’t want to be that cliché weak girl who cries herself to sleep. She’s trying so desperately to think of something else; to take her mind off of the pain that she’s feeling in that moment. But when her mind refuses to just think of anything, she tries to accept these uncomfortable thoughts. She tries to rationalize everything that she’s just been through. She’s trying to make sense of her situation. She’s trying to gain closure so that she can move on from this breakup that has been like a living hell for her.
Now, I want you to picture my face on that woman. Because that’s exactly what I was doing not too long ago. That was me. I was on my bed – and that wasn’t just one night. That was a series of countless sleepless nights that I spent awake thinking about us; thinking about you. I was the woman who was feeling emotionally distraught and downtrodden. I was the woman who was emotionally broken. I had to endure so many months of you making me feel worthless and undervalued.
I had to endure so many months of you treating me like absolute crap. I had to endure so many months of you just not giving me the love, security, affection, care, and consistency that I needed from you to feel safe. I had to endure so many months of you taking me for granted even when I was ready to just give you everything I had.
But despite all of that, I just want to let you know that I carry no hatred in my heart. Instead, I carry gratitude. At this moment of writing, I am no longer angry. I am no longer upset. I am no longer mad or bitter. I want you to know that at this moment, I am free from the emotional hold that you used to have over me. At this moment, I only have one thing for what you were to me: gratitude. I want to thank you; not for everything that you did to me, but for all the lessons that I had to force myself to learn when I was with you.
After having to endure so many months of you just manipulating and abusing me until I had nothing left to give, I came to the realization that none of it was my fault. I learned that the problem wasn’t with me after all; but rather, it was all with you. You were the toxic one between the two of us. You were the problematic one. You were the one who had so many issues and demons that just needed addressing. You were the one who wasn’t right in the head. I am at a point in my life wherein I am slowly emerging back into the light after being stuck for so long in the dark hole that you put me in. I am now free of the shackles and chains that you bound me to. I am now constantly reminding myself every day of how I am far from the woman who you saw me as; and that I always deserve the best in life.
I now know that I am enough; that I am deserving of the best things that life has to offer. And that’s all because of you. So, that’s why in spite of it all; in spite of everything that you and I have been through, I am thankful.
It’s because of you that I know to ALWAYS a demand for more; that I always need to be fighting for what I want; that I should never settle for anything less than I deserve. I now know that I deserve someone who is never going to lie to me; someone who isn’t going to manipulate me with deceit and dishonesty. I now know that I deserve someone who is always going to show appreciation and gratitude for everything that I do in the relationship.
I now know that I deserve to be with someone who isn’t going to break my heart on a daily basis; someone who is going to do whatever it takes to take care of me. I now know that I deserve to be with someone who is always going to prioritize my sense of happiness and well-being; someone who doesn’t feed into my insecurities and fears. I now know that I am deserving of someone who will never capitalize on my weaknesses. I know that I deserve someone who is going to bring out the best in me; someone who makes me stronger.
I now know, because of you, that I deserve to be with someone who loves me for me.